but i wasnt.. i apologize....i have had a really rough hard winter.. i will confess there were times i wanted to give up .. i wont lie and sit here and say i fought a tough battle this winter.. i curled up and hid or tried to most of the time.. i thought of ending it several time.. but i just couldnt quite bring myself to it..
i dont know what happened.. i have been the deepest and darkesst this winter with no explaination.. i have been tired and exhausted beyond what i could describe in words..
i have been to countless appointments.. and have had countless vials of blood taken trying to figure out what is going on with me to no avail at this point.... i still have a few more appointments and maybe i will have some answers then..
i have let down many people.. i have made even more feel badly .. not my intention..all i can do is apologize to those people who mean so much to me.. its the people that are closest to me that suffer the most when these things happen because i don t even know where or how to ask for help.. the thing is no one can really help me.. and that is the truth of it.. and honestly when things dont change for weeks on end.. there is only so much i can talk about before i bore myself.. of come off as a whiny bitch that can even help herself..
i am not used to being like this.. i am not used to being "helpless".. i am used to being strong and helping those who arent to be stronger.. i am not used to being in a position to ask for help.. and before i know it people think i hate them or dont want to talk to them.. and the truth of the matter is i really dont know what to say any more..
not even my family has an idea of how bad this actually got this year.. i knew it was bad when i could barely muster to strength to get out of bed and shower.. i am beginning to feel better however iknow i need answers still so its not over yet..
i hate the idea of being medicated but i think at this point if i dont do it .. its gonna end badly.. and i dont want that any more than the next person.. this is the hardest thing for me.. to admit i cant kick this in the ass and drive on.. i hate needing something to make me "normal" i HATE the idea but its gonna have to happen.. because i cant do another winter like this .. i have already lost enough i cant lose any more because of this..
anyway.. really i am going to try to be better..
tomorrow is my first big ride of the season with my "boys" i will have pictures and all kinds of stuff to say tomorrow.. for now ..just keep me in your thoughts .. i need all the help i can get