I promised to be better.. i did..
but i wasnt.. i apologize....i have had a really rough hard winter.. i will confess there were times i wanted to give up .. i wont lie and sit here and say i fought a tough battle this winter.. i curled up and hid or tried to most of the time.. i thought of ending it several time.. but i just couldnt quite bring myself to it..
i dont know what happened.. i have been the deepest and darkesst this winter with no explaination.. i have been tired and exhausted beyond what i could describe in words..
i have been to countless appointments.. and have had countless vials of blood taken trying to figure out what is going on with me to no avail at this point.... i still have a few more appointments and maybe i will have some answers then..
i have let down many people.. i have made even more feel badly .. not my intention..all i can do is apologize to those people who mean so much to me.. its the people that are closest to me that suffer the most when these things happen because i don t even know where or how to ask for help.. the thing is no one can really help me.. and that is the truth of it.. and honestly when things dont change for weeks on end.. there is only so much i can talk about before i bore myself.. of come off as a whiny bitch that can even help herself..
i am not used to being like this.. i am not used to being "helpless".. i am used to being strong and helping those who arent to be stronger.. i am not used to being in a position to ask for help.. and before i know it people think i hate them or dont want to talk to them.. and the truth of the matter is i really dont know what to say any more..
not even my family has an idea of how bad this actually got this year.. i knew it was bad when i could barely muster to strength to get out of bed and shower.. i am beginning to feel better however iknow i need answers still so its not over yet..
i hate the idea of being medicated but i think at this point if i dont do it .. its gonna end badly.. and i dont want that any more than the next person.. this is the hardest thing for me.. to admit i cant kick this in the ass and drive on.. i hate needing something to make me "normal" i HATE the idea but its gonna have to happen.. because i cant do another winter like this .. i have already lost enough i cant lose any more because of this..
anyway.. really i am going to try to be better..
tomorrow is my first big ride of the season with my "boys" i will have pictures and all kinds of stuff to say tomorrow.. for now ..just keep me in your thoughts .. i need all the help i can get
but i wasnt.. i apologize....i have had a really rough hard winter.. i will confess there were times i wanted to give up .. i wont lie and sit here and say i fought a tough battle this winter.. i curled up and hid or tried to most of the time.. i thought of ending it several time.. but i just couldnt quite bring myself to it..
i dont know what happened.. i have been the deepest and darkesst this winter with no explaination.. i have been tired and exhausted beyond what i could describe in words..
i have been to countless appointments.. and have had countless vials of blood taken trying to figure out what is going on with me to no avail at this point.... i still have a few more appointments and maybe i will have some answers then..
i have let down many people.. i have made even more feel badly .. not my intention..all i can do is apologize to those people who mean so much to me.. its the people that are closest to me that suffer the most when these things happen because i don t even know where or how to ask for help.. the thing is no one can really help me.. and that is the truth of it.. and honestly when things dont change for weeks on end.. there is only so much i can talk about before i bore myself.. of come off as a whiny bitch that can even help herself..
i am not used to being like this.. i am not used to being "helpless".. i am used to being strong and helping those who arent to be stronger.. i am not used to being in a position to ask for help.. and before i know it people think i hate them or dont want to talk to them.. and the truth of the matter is i really dont know what to say any more..
not even my family has an idea of how bad this actually got this year.. i knew it was bad when i could barely muster to strength to get out of bed and shower.. i am beginning to feel better however iknow i need answers still so its not over yet..
i hate the idea of being medicated but i think at this point if i dont do it .. its gonna end badly.. and i dont want that any more than the next person.. this is the hardest thing for me.. to admit i cant kick this in the ass and drive on.. i hate needing something to make me "normal" i HATE the idea but its gonna have to happen.. because i cant do another winter like this .. i have already lost enough i cant lose any more because of this..
anyway.. really i am going to try to be better..
tomorrow is my first big ride of the season with my "boys" i will have pictures and all kinds of stuff to say tomorrow.. for now ..just keep me in your thoughts .. i need all the help i can get
4 Comments:
At 10:50 AM,
Marvie said…
Have your docs looked into Seasonal Affective Disorder? Maybe that is exacerbating whatever else is wrong? I only suggest it because you seemed to go more into a funk as the days got shorter, and you are saying you feel a bit better now... and the days are getting longer. Just a thought.
I haven't been blogging much either, because like you said, it's the same shit every day for weeks on end and I hate to seem like a whiner etc. Just not much to talk about I guess.
If you feel the need to get away from things, you are always welcome to come down here and visit a while. We could go to the beach, just hang around the house, whatever. I'll be on my own for the next year, well me and the kiddo, so visitors are welcome =) Might help me get my mind off things too.
{{{hugs}}} from me, and big sloppy kisses from Boomer.
At 7:50 AM,
Unknown said…
Alot of people with fibromyalgia also are affected by SAD, also Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, something to consider.
Dealing with a illness, especially an undiagnosed one, can be very hard.
We all have to admit our limitations at times and come to realize that despite what is going on life goes on.
You just have to realize that sometimes you just have force yourself to do it even if it hurts. Even if you just can't, you have to try.
There are days I barely have the ability to get out of bed on my own or at the very least with out pain. But I have to, so I do.
You'll learn to deal and handle things.
I hate that you have to, but you will in time get to the point where you can.
Just remember that sometimes shutting out people who love you and can support you can be detrimental not only to you but to those who care for you. And sometimes the those kinds of things can be easily swept aside or fixed.
Life with illness of any kind is a learn as you go type situation. Sometimes one stumbles along blind and alone for awhile until they get themselves to a point where they can find a happy medium between illness and life.
It's all a learning process and no one knows how to do it for anyone other than themselves.
At least you have had a nice day to get out with your bike and your friends. That always helps to be able to blow things off and have some fun.
At 1:09 PM,
Burfica said…
on a side note of the SAD. I was watching a show about it. They said to buy a "sun light" not a uv lamp but one called a sun light. And to turn it on next to you at least 20 minutes a day.
Just a thought.
At 11:23 AM,
StitchLuva and Yarn said…
so sorry to hear about your dark winter. but i glad you are working through it.
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