i have been doing alot of thinking lately.. about my relationships.. life..house.. things.. i dont even know where to begin.. there are days i sit here and cry.. just really letting out all the hurt i have left inside..
one large thing i have realized is you cant make some one love you back the way you love them ever.. and sometimes.. even if they say they love you .. it doesnt mean its the same as yours.. and because you love in a different way doesnt mean they are not giving you all they have.. maybe that is the best they have ... its what they can give..i have also learned its not a crime to want more.. its not wrong to need more ..
i have been making a journey to get back to me after ten years of off and on losing myself in something that was never going to work out .. no matter how hard i tried.. but i was to stubborn to let go and realise i wasnt the failure.. sometimes things just dont work out .. for whatever reasons there may be...the blame game gets you no where
for years i have not been able to grasp the concept of monogamy.. i really dont get it .. or maybe i havent found the one that was my everything.. i find people interesting and i truly believe you can love more than one person at one time.. i find the key to making these relationships work is honesty.. and hoping the ones involved understand where you are coming from..
on the other hand.. i have found that i really like me and who i am .. or rather who i was.. and right now i am still trying to figure out who i am right now.. after years of being told what i was not.. and years of being told i was a plethora of things that just werent true .. but you know in life its much easier to believe all the bad things said about you than the good ones.. the trick is.. you have to know you ARE the good things.. and you need to surround yourself with people that support those things.. not ones that try to make you into some one they think you should be
there are still those times i wonder.. what if i did more.. what if i changed more .. what if things were different.. and the answer to all that is.. i would have just become stepford... really.. just would have been what was expected and wanted from me with no identity but being part of that group of identifers.. and the half of a whole that was dysfunctional..
so.. i am finally letting go of 11 years of baggage.. well .. let me just say maybe not 11.. it wasnt all bad..the beginning was really good.. then it was all downhill from there.. so lets say 10.. i am letting go of 10 years of fights.. disagreements.. disappointments.. insults.. mean things..it really feels good..
it also feel good to finally get some things done in this house with out a fight .. no debate over what would be better.. no fighting for what i want.. its great..
am i lonely.. ? sometimes.. is that ok ? yes.. am i sad.. ? sometimes.. but that is to be expected..
i will say i am enjoying life more.. i dont feel guilty for taking a weekend and just riding my motorcycle... i dont feel obligated to explain my self to any one .. its freeing and nice..
and all one big huge crazy adjustment.. but on the inside what i feel most is peace.. and i havent had that in a very long time