Instant gratification: we are all guilty of wanting it, getting it, or providing it in some way shape or form. I have been thinking over the past few days, about this digital age we live in, and how much it has effected the way people interact with each other. Or rather, how much we don't have to anymore.

Since I have been taking medication for my fibro, I have been having some strange, strange, strange, vivid, strange dreams.... did i mention strange?

last night I dreamt I was on a 12 story cruise ship, where I had my own personal bulter in my room, named Gabriel. He would come and go when I wasn't there, leaving me everything i needed. I remember a point where I got my books and headed down to the reading pool where every one could sit on the edge of the pool, with their feet in there and read. It was nice.


Then night before last, i was dreaming there was a crazy storm outside, that blew a bath tub up to my back porch, and then once the storm was over.. my back door was left open and Cupcake came walking back in, like he was brand new and ready to have another life here.


Its always something, very vivid, very bright, and very odd.. there have been many others but these are the most recent. I woke up thinking Cuppy was back in my house. It just seemed so real.

there are times when a moment.. a comment.. a sigh.. can bring about a flash back .. a set back... a need to step back .. i hate it .. the people that are inadvertently involved in these situations inevitably believe it has something to do with them.. it doesn't.. not one bit..

its unfortunate.. they are innocent bystanders.. its enough to make me want to just remove myself socially from everything.. and there are times that i do .. another set back.. another scar that still hurts.. another moment from another life time effecting this new one.. i hate it.. i hate that i let that have say in this life.... there are days i feel i have made such leaps and bounds toward letting go of all that crap.. then in one tiny instant..one word.. one moment .. on incident.. i am back at square one.. not for long.. but long enough to shut down.. feel that self doubt.. feel all that i had thought i had left .. in the past .. a thousand miles away ..

i do my best every day not to let that get in the way of me moving forward.. i realise the things we have done.. we have experienced.. good and bad make us who we are right now.. i realise without those things i would be a different person.. i am not sure i would want it changed.. but what i am sure of is i don't like the way the past effects my present and those involved it in .. as hard as i try .. there seems to be no way to disconnect those things..

I guess i should have known things weren't going to work between us the day i found you had written about a girl you could have married... and that person was definitely not me. We had talked about being together and you asked if i had to be married to be with some one.. i said no.. and i meant it.. we talked about commitment not needing a piece of paper or some silly rock on a finger.. we talked about knowing where home was ... we talked about being together and made future plans..

I should have just let you go when you took the job in California and left in January instead of being uncharacteristically optimistic about seeing you while you were out there .. and again the same feeling about seeing you more often once you got to grad school in the fall. I suppose this would have hurt less had i just let you go then.. at least it would have been clean ...at least i wouldn't have had to endure this break up over text.. at least i could have looked at you while you told me what was wrong with me..

We were both not with out fault.. I did some things I shouldn't have, but then again so did you . It made neither of us right for any of it. However, the difference is, I got over your injustice and you made a major case of mine. What is done, is done.. I cant change it. I can only hope that maybe you can change the way you look at me, but I am not uncharacteristically optimistic about this at all.

I have missed you so much these past few months my heart has ached.. and now. no reconciliation to make that ache subside.. only more hurt to enhance it..

there are things i go thru i would never air in public.. and thoughts i have .. i would never say out loud.. but of course here i feel i can do both of those things because i have some sense of anonymity that i dont have in real time

but of course.. you all know me well enough i wont open completely up but will say enough to help me make it better for myself... and if no one is reading or commenting here that is fine too .. at least i "wrote my letter" to let it all go..

i am finally getting to a place in my life where i feel a little more secure but still slightly apprehensive about my future. i think i am at a place where i can deal with what is handed me... of course going thru some purging in my house and of course in my mind has helped me profusely.

i feel i should probably get back to this .. i do put snippets of my life out there on face book but i never really discuss the intricacies of my life or get really serious there.. so anyway .. here i am again making another effort to be better at this thing called blogging.. whether i do or dont at least i am getting some things off my chest that need to be ..

Cupcake is my great dane.. he is 11.. and yes he is OLD.. i love him so much it hurts to think about a day with out him..but unfortunately that day is coming probably coming faster than i want to admit..

i came home yesterday to him.. stuck in a position..where i have no idea how long he had been there .. but he was there long enough to deficate on himself.. so i had to lift this smelly gross dog.. that i love.. up.. and get him outside so i could at least hose him off and get him to smell better.. i suppose it would be like us trying to walk on a leg that has gone numb.. i had to basically pick him up about 5 more times before i got him washed off and back in the house.. that was a work out considering he is 130 pounds

today .. he is doing much better.. i woke up to him nosing my foot wanting out.. he seems to be ok today but of course slow.. that is normal.. and i am ok with that.. i just cant lift him 5 or 6 times a day.. once is ok .. i just know i am tired and sore today from yesterday..


also know.. that if it gets to the point where he has no quality of life.. and i know he is in pain .. i will make that decision and be a selfless owner and know the time has come.. as much as i know it will hurt me.. i know i cant let him live a life where he is miserable.. sometimes i think its a shame people cant do the same thing.. sometime life hurts so bad ... but i digress


i remember picking up my little puppy a little over 11 years ago.. he barely weighed 12 pounds.. he was cute.. his paws were huge for his body ... his ears were floppy and his eyes were grey .. they matched his fur.. he was soft and silky and clumsy as hell.. he got car sick on his ride home..that afternoon we played with him.. and tuckered him out.. he laid in the hammock with me til his brother showed up that evening via my sister.. they were best friends from the start..

there have been some ups and downs in the past 11 years but i couldnt have asked for a better.. more polite .. and loving dog.. I will spend the last of his time letting him know how much i love him and try to remember all the good times..

i wonder.. if the people that keep hurting me emotionally realize.. that it hurts me physically.. I have a condition called Fibromyalgia.. its kind of mysterious.. but it has definate things that effect me.. most of the time its brought on by intense emotional distress.. and that is the cause of mine..

the people that are now causing this distress.. i believe.. or would like to believe.. have no idea i have this disease.. because honestly .. i do try to see the best in people.. however.. it hurts me physcially when you hurt me emotionally.. its hard to explain to people..

my friend Kari.. sent me this in an email and i have copied and pasted it here for every one to read.. hoping it reaches the right place.. i have doubts that it will .. but i do have hopes..


LETTER TO PEOPLE WITHOUT CHRONIC PAIN:Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about chronic pain and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed.

In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand ...... These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me...Please understand that being sick doesn't mean I'm not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, sometimes I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me-- stuck inside this body.I still worry about school, my family, my friends, and most of the time - I'd still like to hear you talk about yours, too.

Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu, you probably feel miserable with it, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time. In fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So, if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy. That's all. It doesn't mean that I'm not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!" or "But you look so healthy!¨ I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look normal. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome.


Please understand that being able to stand up for ten minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn't mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed, or you can move. With this one, it gets more confusing everyday. It can be like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day, how I am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases, I never know from minute to minute. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.

Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting", "walking", "thinking", "concentrating", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to everything.


That's what chronic pain does to you.Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It's quite possible (for many, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I'll have trouble getting to the next room. Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!" or Oh, come on, I know you can do this!" If you want me to do something, then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able, please try to always remember how very lucky you are--to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.

Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don't know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me that I need to exercise, or do some things to get my mind off of it¨ may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct if I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, don't you know that I would? I am working with my doctor and I am doing what I am supposed to do. Another statement that hurts is, "You just need to push yourself more, try harder..." Obviously, chronic pain can deal with the whole body, or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can't always read it on my face or in my body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.


Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/stay in bed/or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm somewhere, or am right in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. Lord knows that isn't true. In all likelihood, if you've heard of it or tried it, so have I. In some cases, I have been made sicker, not better. This can involve side effects or allergic reactions. It also includes failure, which in and of itself can make me feel even lower. If there were something that cured, or even helped people with my form of chronic pain, then we'd know about it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. If something worked, we would KNOW. It's definitely not for lack of trying. If, after reading this, you still feel the need to suggest a cure, then so be it. I may take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.


If I seem touchy, it's probably because I am. It's not how I try to be. As a matter of fact, I try very hard to be normal. I hope you will try to understand. I have been, and am still, going through a lot. Chronic pain is hard for you to understand unless you have had it. It wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. It is exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, I know that I am doing my best to cope with this, and live my life to the best of my ability. I ask you to bear with me, and accept me as I am. I know that you cannot literally understand my situation unless you have been in my shoes, but as much as is possible, I am asking you to try to be understanding in general.


In many ways I depend on you - people who are not sick. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out... Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, cooking or cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor, or to the store. You are my link to the normalcy of life. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able.


I know that I have asked a lot from you, and I do thank you for listening. It really does mean a lot.


AUTHOR UNKNOWN**************************



********TIPS FOR DEALING WITH PEOPLE IN PAIN

1. People with chronic pain seem unreliable (we can't count on ourselves). When feeling better we promise things (and mean it); when in serious pain, we may not even show up.

2. An action or situation may result in pain several hours later, or even the next day. Delayed pain is confusing to people who have never experienced it.

3. Pain can inhibit listening and other communication skills. It's like having someone shouting at you, or trying to talk with a fire alarm going off in the room. The effect of pain on the mind can seem like attention deficit disorder. So you may have to repeat a request, or write things down for a person with chronic pain. Don't take it personally, or think that they are stupid.

4. The senses can overload while in pain. For example, noises that wouldn't normally bother you, seem too much.

5. Patience may seem short. We can't wait in a long line; can't wait for a long drawn out conversation.

6. Don't always ask "how are you" unless you are genuinely prepared to listen it just points attention inward.

7. Pain can sometimes trigger psychological disabilities (usually very temporary). When in pain, a small task, like hanging out the laundry, can seem like a huge wall, too high to climb over. An hour later the same job may be quite OK. It is sane to be depressed occasionally when you hurt.

8. Pain can come on fairly quickly and unexpectedly. Pain sometimes abates after a short rest. Chronic pain people appear to arrive and fade unpredictably to others.

9. Knowing where a refuge is, such as a couch, a bed, or comfortable chair, is as important as knowing where a bathroom is. A visit is much more enjoyable if the chronic pain person knows there is a refuge if needed. A person with chronic pain may not want to go anywhere that has no refuge (e.g.no place to sit or lie down).

10. Small acts of kindness can seem like huge acts of mercy to a person in pain. Your offer of a pillow or a cup of tea can be a really big thing to a person who is feeling temporarily helpless in the face of encroaching pain.

11. Not all pain is easy to locate or describe. Sometimes there is a body-wide feeling of discomfort, with hard to describe pains in the entire back, or in both legs, but not in one particular spot you can point to. Our vocabulary for pain is very limited, compared to the body's ability to feel varieties of discomfort.

12. We may not have a good "reason" for the pain. Medical science is still limited in its understanding of pain. Many people have pain that is not yet classified by doctors as an officially recognized "disease". That does not reduce the pain, - it only reduces our ability to give it a label, and to have you believe us.