Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Southerners .. Explained

I received this in my email today .. Thought I would share it with all my readers.. Maybe it will explain some things to my Yankee readers (I say that in the nicest possible way )...

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't"HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!(made with the pudding you cook. not the instant stuff)

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash (if you dont know and want to just let me know .. i will explain it the best i can )

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun,a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're"in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners NEVER refer to one person as "ya'll."

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.(That's with butter salt and pepper NEVER sugar and milk.. for all my Yankee readers)

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweetmilk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweetmilk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.("Bless their heart" is also a lead in for saying something nicely that most likely isnt)

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy(I sure do miss this on sunday mornings) and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a third language, right after Mexican!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day.

Now.. a couple things to straighten out ..I added the stuff in parenthesis.. I dont say Ya'll.. nor Fixin.. but I know plently of people that do .. I am proud to be Southern .. I am glad I was taught manners .. and also taught not to be in a damned hurry all the time..

Ok every one.. I am out of here for at least a week .. I might update while I am gone but dont count on that.. I will check my ebay stuff every day but not necessarily anything else.. cause you know .. business is busines and I am taking that with me!!

See you all SOON!!

posted by ThreeOliveMartini @ Wednesday, June 29, 2005  


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