Friday, April 18, 2008
Why Is It
i really had a good day .. only to get home and have every one i come in contact with try to ruin it..its just fucked up .. and i am tired of ppl trying to bring me down .. give me a fucking break already .. i am already pushed to my limits..tomorow has to be better right?
Monday, April 14, 2008
WOW
we had storms last week.. i feel like every one should have had storms last week.. this spring has been one big rain storm after another.. this one was different..it damaged my huge maple out front.. one of the reasons i loved this house to begin with .. it was a gorgeous tree.. however sick from the inside out.. had to call a tree surgeon.. long story short .. it was removed today .. my 125+ year old tree..i am sad but know i did the right thing albiet leaving me fairly "poor" not really but who knew tree removal cost 950 dollars? i sure didnt but i tell you what the guy that took it out .. did a stupendous job and didnt damamge anything but my yard a little.. nothing that cant be fixed.. ihave been too sad to up load pics but i did take some good ones today.. i will post them up tomorrow you can see before and afters..i continued on my cleaning streak this weekend.. got the kitchen really cleaned.. my laundry room and my bed room still needs a little. the back entry got some work too .. i caught up on my laundry and for tomorrow i plan on stripping my bed and washing my linens and blankets and changing out the bed sack thingy.. and putting on my spring/summer stuff and putting way the heavy winter things.. i am hoping to complete my bedroom stuff tomorrow so i can get cracking on that damned craft room of mine.. i dread it but it needs done.. i feel stifled since its not at a place where i can use it constructively .. anyway .. that has been my weekend.. oh i did venture out tonight and i got two new magazines and a new harley road atlas.. i love the bookstore.. i could live in one .. that is for sure.. well for now i need to go .. wish me luck with the house tomorrow..
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
On A Roll
i am really trying to make this habit.. last night i was away from my home and computer so an entry didnt get made.. c'est la vie! i had a good time and that is what matters i guess..i know i still need to at least finish my egypt installments... i think i will work on that tonight in word and transfer it all over to here.. i need to before it gets to a point where i have forgotten more than i remember LOLi am inspired today so i have no messengers on nor have i visited any of my usual suspect sites.. i have been cleaning my room and kitchen.. the kitchen is done except for the mopping of the floor.. every thing has been wiped down organized and cleaned.. i will do the floor in a bit.. i have been decluttering my room.. its beginning to look like a bedroom.. not a big old pile of clutter.. i am taking all the yarn that doesnt fit in my basket tower into the "craft room" which needs some work too.. that is on the agenda for tomorrow.. i wont go into why i havent tackled it .. let's just leave it at its been a point of contention and discussion for a while.. actually i will be glad to get it done.. i have been feeling creative lately and want to get in there and do some actual work.. i just cant bring myself to do it while the rest of the house is in "ruins".. not really but i need to get it all worked out before i get in there but i hope by the end of the day to have it done..my coffee break is over.. so i am going back to work ..
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Monday Night Bowling
i signed up for league back in Oct.. in hopes of a repeat of last winter and some serious silliness.... well long story short we (our team) ended up on monday league with a bunch of seriously fun retarded people.. LOL.. its been a long winter on league.. i think we only have three weeks left.. at least this MADE me get out of my house once a week thru all the crap i have been struggling with whether i really wanted to or not..i am not the best bowler.. but i will say i have imporved this season.. i have earned a triplicate patch which shows consistancy.. it means you made the same score three games in a row.. i also earned my 180 patch.. where i bowled a 185 one night on league.. its been an ok season but look froward to next winter's league when we can go back to friday and have a little more fun .. this one was way too serious for me that is for sure LOLon a side note.. i parked my car under a tree last night and when i got up today .. it was shit bombed by birds.. i am not kidding it looked like some one took a white paintball gun to it .. i will post a pic tomorrow..its crazy..hope every one had a not so manic monday.. mine was ok ..
Sunday, April 06, 2008
After The Ride
got a ride in on my bike today.. man.. the old saying is true"four wheels move the body..two wheels move the soul"i needed those 200 miles today with some pals.. it was nice.. i am exhausted i think i should sleep well tonight..was hoping for a phone call this evening but didn t get it .. (cryptic i know but not willing to reveal my whole life right now)kind of disappointed but honestly my head hurts and i think i will call it an early nighttrying to get back into this blogging thing every day.. even if its just a small post.. marvie.. thanks for the info.. will talk to the doc about that next appt .. Kari had suggested it as well .. it very well may be something to the sort
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Yeah I Am Here
I promised to be better.. i did..
but i wasnt.. i apologize....i have had a really rough hard winter.. i will confess there were times i wanted to give up .. i wont lie and sit here and say i fought a tough battle this winter.. i curled up and hid or tried to most of the time.. i thought of ending it several time.. but i just couldnt quite bring myself to it..
i dont know what happened.. i have been the deepest and darkesst this winter with no explaination.. i have been tired and exhausted beyond what i could describe in words..
i have been to countless appointments.. and have had countless vials of blood taken trying to figure out what is going on with me to no avail at this point.... i still have a few more appointments and maybe i will have some answers then..
i have let down many people.. i have made even more feel badly .. not my intention..all i can do is apologize to those people who mean so much to me.. its the people that are closest to me that suffer the most when these things happen because i don t even know where or how to ask for help.. the thing is no one can really help me.. and that is the truth of it.. and honestly when things dont change for weeks on end.. there is only so much i can talk about before i bore myself.. of come off as a whiny bitch that can even help herself..
i am not used to being like this.. i am not used to being "helpless".. i am used to being strong and helping those who arent to be stronger.. i am not used to being in a position to ask for help.. and before i know it people think i hate them or dont want to talk to them.. and the truth of the matter is i really dont know what to say any more..
not even my family has an idea of how bad this actually got this year.. i knew it was bad when i could barely muster to strength to get out of bed and shower.. i am beginning to feel better however iknow i need answers still so its not over yet..
i hate the idea of being medicated but i think at this point if i dont do it .. its gonna end badly.. and i dont want that any more than the next person.. this is the hardest thing for me.. to admit i cant kick this in the ass and drive on.. i hate needing something to make me "normal" i HATE the idea but its gonna have to happen.. because i cant do another winter like this .. i have already lost enough i cant lose any more because of this..
anyway.. really i am going to try to be better..
tomorrow is my first big ride of the season with my "boys" i will have pictures and all kinds of stuff to say tomorrow.. for now ..just keep me in your thoughts .. i need all the help i can get
